So much is in the offing that I can feel the pulsating energy.
It is as the year comes rapidly to an end that I begin to feel the renewal of that inner magic/spark. This inner spark is that which lives within all of us, perhaps the very connection with the divine that we all seek and talk of. Honestly, I don’t know what in the world it is; I could (and possibly am) be talking out of my ass. All I know is that as I glance up at the stars with the brisk chill air filling my lungs that something within me lightens from its heavy burden and begins to plan for tomorrows, a thousand tomorrows. It is truly awe-inspiring and truly amazing.
What is even more amazing, though, is that I’ve never felt like this before. Usually, as the year ends, I am deeply melancholy, self-absorbed, depressed, and self-obsessed. I believe that this is because I had focused more on the ending of the cycle than the changes that it could bring. I was more focused on the nights, the darkness, the uncertainty, and the unknown as opposed to what all of those delicious possibilities could herald for my future. I was so much more focused on the fact that the cycle was ending than on anything else. It was the prospect of the oncoming death, the inevitability of it, that I couldn’t tear my mind away from as opposed to the rebirth that would appear on the heels of that.
As each year came to an end, I would sit back and count back to see what I had gained and what I had lost. It was always the same to me: it seemed like the bad always outnumbered the good. I would stare up at the sky, as an agent of an eternal sameness and unchanging way, and sigh so heavily in horror and sadness, in depression and self-hate. I would sit up on the numerous long-so-long nights of late December and wonder why everything was always the same. I would always go on and on about the many things that I had wanted and not received during the year and a little part of myself would slowly wither and die as I realized that another year had passed and still, nothing was different.
Each year would remain the same.
I would still suffer from depression, self-hatred, uncertainty and anxiety. Everything seemed like it was always the same. And even now, as I think about rebirth and the changes that could come from this, I realize that the problems are still there because the struggle is within me. I am the catalyst of change, just as I am the catalyst for staying the same. And you know, even as the new things begin to manifest and make me feel infinitely lighter, I realize that the struggles with these emotions are still within me and that these are the problems that I have to overcome in order to get to the point in my life that I want to be. Just because I don’t quite know what that is doesn’t mean much to me because it’s the inherent energy in the air and within me that I have and it is with that air that change will come.
The depression and anxiety are due to a genetic disorder that all women in my family suffer from. I have pills to help contain this problem. The self-hatred and uncertainty are by-products from a serious deficiency in my self-esteem. These are problems caused by the fact that I have an innate inner-strength that I don’t honestly believe that I have or that I can wield effectively. (This is ridiculous and silly because I often counsel the people who I do Tarot readings on the fact that they have a deep inner strength that they must merely tap into it and utilize it.)
I know that looking a gift horse in the mouth is tantamount to suicide. What ends up happening is the age-old case of monotony. I mean, how long can you possibly eat the same meal on the same plates, utensils, and cups? Obviously, quite fucking often and probably mostly without even realizing it! I mean, monotony is the enemy here, but it’s only when a certain type of magic pulsates in the air before you look up and say, “Hey. I’m sick of this shit.” And it’s at that moment that you learn the lesson from history: it’s cyclical and it always repeats itself.
Recently, no matter what client I am using, every Tarot card that I’ve pulled for a daily card has been all about the ending of a cycle and new beginnings. For the longest time, since I’ve been getting these cards pulled for about two weeks now, I figured that these were all about the ending of my unemployment hanging-in-the-balance act that I had been going through. It seemed like the obvious thing to harp on when I was getting these cards. Tonight, as I stared up at those beautiful fucking stars and marveled at the eternity I was seeing in front of my eyes and felt the chill air puncture my lungs, I realized that I was only subjecting the reality that I wanted onto those cards. I want that motherfucking waiting game to just go fuck itself and end and I want that damn check in my fucking hands. So, since I was so focused on that (and little else), I just assumed that the cards were telling me about how I was going to get my damn check.
And my dreams, too, as of late have had something to do with rebirth and change. I had a dream the other day about parthenogenesis (no, I’m not full of it). All the other dreams that I’ve had lately have been along similar veins, or perhaps, parallel to it. There’s been change in some form or another in every one: the buying of a new house, parthenogenesis, pregnancy, and positivity. (And let me just say that if my dreams are happy, in any way, then that’s a fucking change right there.) Really, I wake up not feeling refreshed but disappointed that I’ve had to wake up from such a lovely little episode.
So, really, when I say that I can feel so much going on around me, I’m not full of it. Or, only slightly so.
During one of my ‘what the fuck is this’ moments, I asked The Sister to give me an idea about one of my dreams, specifically the one about parthenogenesis. (Now, I’m just sayin’ that word because it’s nifty.) She said that it had to do with the self-induced changes of my religious practice, faith, and spirituality. I’m pretty sure my ‘oh, whatever’ tone came through on that. Since, you know, I’m really just not one to get gung-ho about something because someone else says so. And then, you know, a bunch of other dreams came about along with the Tarot cards… I suppose I can say that the omens are in: parthenogenesis, baby.
(And like I didn’t get it enough: I just pulled my daily card from the app on my phone, right? I pulled the Wheel of Fortune card. Universe, what are you trying to say? XD)
It’s at this tender moment that I now find myself.
There are some excessive dreams in the works all around me. I only have to reach out and I will be able to place my fingers on the burgeoning ribbons of those dreams. I’m afraid, however, that in so doing, I will be crossing a line that leaves me unable to turn back. The thing with the spiritual turnpike is that there has always been the possibility of back-tracking to a more comfortable realm. I can feel in this forward progress (towards parthenogenesis, baby… seriously, the word is fucking awesome) that there will be no going back. Whomever or whatever is helping to guide me forward is going to close the path off behind me: either with the destruction of the land or with some impenetrable barrier. I only have forward and it frightens me. However, sitting around and staring like a dumb fuck at the pretty birds chirping in my face is all well and good, but it’s pretty damn monotonous. And didn’t I already say that you can only take so much of that before you just decide on moving the fuck on? Yeah, I did.
So, it’s forward for me.
So, it’s towards a dream world that I have to make real.
So, it’s the unknown, the uncertain, the darkness amid the birthing process.
All around me I can feel all of the pulsating energy of change. All around me I can feel the excitement in the air. All around me I can feel the possibilities… and they are truly endless.