With the full moon so round and so in-your-face, it would have been a sin (to me) if I hadn’t at least commemorated it in some way. I wanted to do something big and spectacular, but alas, I’m neither big nor spectacular. I can only hope that the full moon and whatever aspect governs it understands that I try in my own little way. Truly, I can say that seeing the full moon in all its glory is energizing, awe-inspiring, thrilling, exciting, and just generally a highlight to my evening. I think my favorite aspects of a full moon are when it’s humongous and takes up an entire field of view. I love being able to look out the window when its rising and see nothing but this big, huge, white circle in the sky. I also appreciate it best when the cloud cover makes it look so interesting, or like it’s playing hide and go seek with me. Truly, I love the full moon.
Now, to get started, I did my cleansing shower. And again, I was marveling at the sudden onslaught of energy that overcame me while I was showering. Each time, it’s different. The overwhelming need to dance it off is there, but each dance is different. Sometimes, it will be like when I was a ballerina: lithe, graceful. And other times it will be fun and humorous: something a la Drunk Me. And at still other times, it is a combination thereof. It’s like my body has this total overflow of energy that it can’t work out. And in the shower, I’m able to. And then, of course, when spell work is going on, I get rid of it further.
My first ‘problem’ of the evening was my candle situation. Whenever I decide to practice some magic, I like to light my kyphi candle for Hwt-Hrw, to help me while I’m doing this. I also use this candle to burn up my written spells in my cauldron. You know, it’s kind of like she’s giving it her seal of approval or something. However, because things don’t want to be simple, the wick is being a complete jerk in my latest kyphi candle (it apparently decided to hide out in wet wax and then, you know, not bounce back) and I think I might actually have to get rid of it. So, I figured I would just light a tea light for her, but then, it dawned on me that I already had the solution to my ‘candle issue.’ I had bought that glass candle holder in November, but never really knew what to do with it when I got it home. I placed it down on the “Egyptian side” of my altar and it was in place. It was perfect. That’s where it belonged.
After cleaning and arranging, I went about with my spell crafting.
Things, there, weren’t so well thought out. First, the last time I did magic and whatnot, I both cleaned, dried, and oiled my cauldron. What I didn’t think to do before starting on my friend’s spell that he requested was that I should, maybe, get rid of the oil residue. Yeah, so I learned my lesson in that. The burning and the spell crafting/casting went well and there wasn’t much of a hitch. In fact, his spell went up in a whooooosh that I was quite proud of. I also was sure to visualize his grinning face with money fanned out in front of him, like he had won the lottery or something as equally silly. However, the problem was when I went to toss off the leftover ashes and herbs for his spell: they just would not leave my damn cauldron for anything. It was aggravating and I have definitely learned my lesson. I finally managed to get most of it out (while also managing to dust my fingers black as night in leftover ashes) and went about the rest of my work.
Both of my spells went up quick and easy. I was even able to dump them without a hitch. I’d like to say that that must mean good things are heading in the realms of intuition and weight loss. However, considering the spell work I had done during my last full moon (which I realized today the big, huge, major spell that I cast isn’t actually working out so well), there’s no telling. I can only hope that my fortitude in losing weight and my willingness to practice and learn and get smarter with my intuitiveness is going to go somewhere. The thing is that I’m beginning to wonder if going about things this way is the right way.
Fear and doubt.
Part and parcel to the whole path, I guess.
The thing is that after I had done my initial ritual work during November’s full moon, I felt good about things. I really believed that I had done a fairly satisfactory job and that I was definitely ready to rid myself of those aspects of my personality that were negative. In fact, I was so positive that in doing the whole spell thing that I was helping myself to let go and get over it, that I was doing the right thing. Then today, I realized that this wasn’t the case at all. I had been speaking about the two hardest things that embittered me the most that I had “given up” during the last full moon and… The white-hot rage that encompassed me when speaking about both aspects, I realized that they’re not gone and I didn’t let go and I didn’t move on. And it’s really… disconcerting. So, maybe, maybe, this aspect of spell-casting isn’t the case.
Or maybe, I should actually, gee, work on this stuff so I can figure it out.
The last thing I did last night was my own Tarot reading. I wasn’t going to, actually, because I’m not a fan of doing my own readings. I’m great when it comes to other people because it’s not me that I’m trying to interpret for. If someone else does a reading for me, then I can interpret that fairly easily and ruthlessly. However, for some odd reason when I do reading for myself, things just don’t work out. Or, I end up confused beyond all measure.
So, initially, I had asked The Sister to do a reading for me with her fairy cards. These cards are pretty in-your-face with shit. They have a history of smacking you in the face with shit you don’t want to own up to or things that you would rather ignore. I asked that The Sister ask the fairies what the hell was taking my damn money (exact words there) so damn long. And she came back at me with some form of negativity and some form of obstacle that I hadn’t dealt with. And of course, I was confused beyond all measure since I was pretty sure I had figured out what the hell the ‘obstacle’ was when a certain hedgehog did my reading for me. Evidently not.
The other thing about this that really got to me was the negativity thing. I’m pretty much sure that I have every right to feel some deep, unresolved, embittering negativity towards the company that I worked for. They did me wrong: they sacrificed me for someone ten years younger than me and nowhere near as consistent, mature, able, or willing. So, the negative aspect didn’t sit well with me, either. And from what I’ve spoken to other people in regards to this negativity thing… Yeah, they agree. I have a right to feel this way. So, what the hell, right?
I chose a spread called, “Dis-ease Spread” because I figured it was appropriate. The cards I got were three of wands, five of pentacles, ten of wands, five of swords reversed, the Knight of cups reversed, seven of swords, the Hermit reversed, and the four of wands reversed. Now, the three of wands and five of pentacles were in the spot that’s marked for ‘the nature of your stress/dis-ease.’ The ten of wands and the five of swords reversed were in the slot marked as, ‘the cause of your stress/dis-ease.’ In the spot for ‘who/what can help,’ I got knight of cups reversed and seven of swords. And finally, I got the Hermit reversed and the four of wand reversed in the outcome spot.
Now. I’m going to see if I can interpret my spread to figure this shit out, although I seriously fucking doubt it. I’m just not that skilled.
The nature of my stress/dis-ease is due almost entirely because I feel like I have completed the first stage of a project, but yet there is more to do. The seeds are sprouting, supposedly, but I think the stressful aspect is due to it taking too long. It’s impatience that is the source of this dis-ease, which would be appropriate. I am an incredibly impatient person. I can barely wait three minutes for TH to lock the door to the house before I’m getting antsy as hell so we can leave for whatever destination we’re leaving for. Another aspect of this, as shown by the five of pentacles, is that I have fallen on hard times. I’m preoccupied with the practicality of life, which is preventing me from seeking spiritual comfort or guidance.
The cause of my stress/dis-ease is because I’m struggling to shoulder my load and meet all of my responsibilities. I’m in the final stretch and worrying if I have enough energy to see it through the end. This is, also, I feel very appropriate and incredibly accurate. I have a long road ahead of me—not just in waiting for my unemployment to kick in but with the lawsuit aspect, as well—that I seriously have to consider if I can get through all of this. Another aspect that has caused my stress is that I feel humiliated (true), degraded (yep), and victimized (oh, yeah). I’m suffering from exceedingly low self-esteem because of this. And that’s true, too. I always have low self-esteem, but it’s a lot lower than normal because I’ve been used and abused in so many different capacities and now, I get to add the cause for being victimized as “bad career choice.” I mean, it just… blows.
Now, let’s see… who or what can help me here… Apparently, avoiding being too passive and being aware of the possibility of being bamboozled is supposed to help me. Um. So. I’m not supposed to let people walk all over me during this time, but stand up for myself. …All right. I guess I can see that. I’m coming upon a battle of wits and I have to avoid self-defeating actions. I also have to stop feeling cheated. Again, I suppose I can see this. I’m feeling like the cards are trying to tell me to stand up for myself as well as be positive. I can safely say that after three and a half months of trying to stay fucking positive, well, that’s just not going to fucking happen.
The outcome: I’m so caught up in doing things my own way that I’m rejecting good advice and input. Also, I need to stop cutting myself off from people because all it does is leave me feeling lonely. I don’t really see how this is going to help me or assist me. I’m a home-body and I can’t leave the house, more often than not, since there isn’t any gas money. So, in ‘cutting myself off’ it’s not really something I can help at present. The other thing was that success is going to happen, but it’s at a higher price than I had initially anticipated. (Damn straight. This was supposed to be rectified by fucking October. I have to pawn jewelry to pay my fucking car insurance this month and hope they give me a hundred bucks for it.) And delayed but impending completion of a phase. Fine, great. BUT WHEN THE FUCK AM I GETTING MY MONEY? AND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NEGATIVITY SHIT?!
To be honest, this reading frustrated me. Last night, when I was semi-tired and coming down from an energy high, I thought it out and felt good about it. I felt like I knew what they were trying to say. Now, though, as I try to explain it to myself, I just feel aggravated and snarky. Obviously, I’m not supposed to be doing my own card readings.