So, I was completely unaware of the fact that everyone can visualize. However, if you do a Google search about being unable to visualize things, every single one of the sites that pop up will tell you that you’re full of shit. If you think I’m full of it, you can go ahead and do a search yourself. But, everyone who can make a website–which is everybody in this day and age–is going to tell you that you’re lying to yourself and just need to get over it. Okay, so, let’s start doing Google searches for how to visualize right? And you know what? Not a single fucking person gets what I’m trying to fucking say.
I can visualize very easily because I am a creative person. I can see shit in my head, however, it’s not in the form of images. I don’t get these big booming pictures of a flower or what have you in my mind’s eye. In fact, when I close my eyes, I see a big black blackness with little blue swirls that drag my attention. (As a kid, whenever I’d close my eyes and need to “lose myself” I’d look for patterns in the blue swirls, kind of like how you look at the clouds to see images.) That’s it. I don’t see a light or a sun or a tree or anything. I don’t fucking visualize things with images: at all.
In regards to “visualizing,” what I end up doing is wring scenes in my head. The scenes can be about anything. I mean, more often than not, I’ll ‘fanfic’ my way through some popular novels that I read on a regular basis. If that fails, then I just start making up stupid stories in my head. Usually the story is about romance in some abstract way, but still. Whatever. It doesn’t matter: the point is that I write entire fucking scenarios and scene after motherfucking scene in my head. That’s how I visualize things and very rarely do I end up with clear pictures in my head.
Yeah, okay. If I sit around and start writing down very specific things, like the clothes a person-that-lives-only-in-my-mind is wearing, then I’ll get a clearer image of it. It’s still kind of like sepia toned, however; there but not really there. Hell, it’s more like a daguerreotype, for fuck’s sake. It’s there and you can clearly see some kind of image, but more often than not, it’s hazy as hell and leaves you with a headache after the fact.
So, yeah. Images live in my head but they live in there in the form of words.
And it’s like none of the websites that I did Google searches about or with or looked at have ever come across this phenomena. Not only does it make me feel like a complete fucking freak, but it also leaves me incredibly frustrated and angry. It’s like, “Hey, I have this problem. And apparently no one else does.” And everyone is looking at me like some crazy-as-hell-loon because I’m the only one who is openly willing to talk about it. Or even say something. And let me tell you, if I try Google searching about how I write scenarios in my head? All I get is stupid horse shit about school work and trying to become a writing. And if you think I’m joking, I’m not.
So, all of this, of course, is because I can’t seem to ground myself the way that Starhawk mentions in her book.
La-dee-fucking-da isn’t it surprising that I’m one hundred percent fucking weird? Yeah, it’s not.
I’m finding myself not just frustrated by the lack of information that I need, but also by the fact that I feel like a freak because no one has ever fucking mentioned this issue before. It’s like all of the other pagans out there who do visualization on a regular basis have never come across this. When I mentioned it on TC, I kind of felt like a dumbass and there was discussions about how I just can’t let go enough to get this done. And you know what? I thought that was probably right. I mean, I am a complete control freak, but you know what? I don’t fucking buy it anymore.
Yeah, I’m a control freak but I don’t think I’m the only person in humanity’s existence that can write shit out in their heads, much less use that as a variant form of visualization.
So. I’m going to use it to visualize, mother fuckers. I’m going to go right the fuck ahead and write out a scene about grounding. There will be trees and magma and earth and bones and roots and branches and starlight, too. I don’t know how I’m going to write it or when, either, because I’m busy as shit right now and don’t have the time. But, I’ll tell you something: while in the shower, since I couldn’t find my center because I’m stressed to the fucking hilt at this second in time, I started it out a little. And you know what? I felt the heat of the fucking magma of Mother Earth in my feet and in my hands and you know what?
I didn’t have to visualize some pinpoint of light to do it, either.