When I was a child, as I’ve mentioned, I enjoyed learning about mythology the very most. I can remember sitting in the local library, in the kids’ section, and picking up book after book about different myths. I went through phases with Greek and Roman myths, though I always felt that they were one-and-the-same. There was one book in my local library that had to do with the ancient Egyptian pantheon. I don’t even really remember what it was about or what the title was, but I remember taking it out often. I remember being drawn to the animal representations with both curiosity and confusion: gods with animal heads? As a kid, and with no one there to specifically explain all of it to me, I had to make do with what it meant in my own context. It was years later, I think, that everything really came together.
So to speak.
I have always felt that Sekhmet chose me from the get-go. Sometimes, now, I think that she helped to craft the very events in my life that have brought me to this place, to this time, and into her arms. In the ancient Egyptian belief, it is through the god, Khnum*, that humanity is crafted at his potter’s wheel. I have wondered, on occasion, if perhaps Sekhmet went to him and asked him to forge me. Of course, I could just be placing more emphasis on things or just really hoping, but sometimes, it felt like she not only went to him and asked for me to be created in such a way, but that she also had a hand in the very creation process itself.
Wishful thinking? Mayhap.
Over the years, numerous destruction deities crossed my path. I mentioned, once or twice, that Kali held my interest. This was mostly during high school, but Sekhmet was there as well. In high school, it was an archetype that I saw in the two of them: the archetype of destruction. This both intrigued me, frightened me, and made me wonder. I felt a particular connection with that archetype and it was via that connection, I feel, that Sekhmet really started to take an active interest in who I was, what I was going to be, and where I was going to end up.
After that, she appeared frequently: Internet searches that ended with her myths or Wiki page is the most prime example that I can think of off the top of my head. It was about that time (high school and directly after) that I really started to pick up any and all books I could about ancient Egypt. I had a particular affinity with the Amarna period (still do), but it all began because once, there was a pr-`3 who built hundreds upon hundreds of statues to Sekhmet.
I think she was always trying to get my attention.
I say that a lot now. Whenever someone on the forum asks how contact between yourself and your patron, I always say, “I think she was always trying to get my attention.” I just never paid attention. And when I did finally start to pay attention to her tugging at my sleeve, I listened to some seriously bad advice instead. Even though, it was the very reasoning behind the advice that Sekhmet was trying to get my attention, all along. Briefly, I’d like to hearken back to my comments about always feeling like Sekhmet, herself, had a major hand in my very creation. And my comments about destruction.
You see, I always felt like I was a destroyer; as though I had nothing good inside of me and only knew how to wreak carnage in the lives of myself and others. Always. Even in high school. Now, a lot of this has to do with self-worth, or a lack thereof, and some seriously fucked up psychological makeup. But, I don’t think every aspect of these feelings is entirely due to my fucked up childhood.
It is because of these feelings that I have often wondered if Sekhmet went to Khnum and said, “I have a project, but I want to have more than a passing hand in the creation.” And he said, “So be it.” I can practically envision this moment: taken straight from the movie, Ghost, only without the whole sexual tension thing.
After all, Sekhmet is a married woman.
The thing is that when I first started to follow her, I never really wondered why I was going down this path. I never really thought about it–I still don’t. I think it is because, subconsciously, I already knew the answer to any and all of these questions. It is as it is because this is meant to be. Again, I can’t help but go back to cursing out the Fated Tarot card that pops up in my life more often than not. This path is fated to be. And even though I fought against it for so long, I could only prolong the inevitable; I couldn’t stop it.
Sekhmet’s primary role in my life isn’t just to turn me into a good devotee. I mean, I’m sure that has something to do with it since I’ve noticed I’m not nearly as sassy with her as I used to be. (Go me for growing up!)
Her primary role is to explain to me, to show me that I need to accept the destroyer aspect of my personality. And that… that isn’t all there is to me. I’m not just some harbinger of calamity, either in my life or others’. This may be a major portion to who I am, but it’s not everything. Just as Sekhmet isn’t entirely an angry goddess bent on the death and destruction of mankind, I am not just an angry bitch bent on the death and destruction of everyone around me. She’s teaching me to accept who I am and to see that I’m not entirely carnage, personified.
Just as there are other aspects of her personality, so there are to mine, as well.
It is this lesson that I have the hardest time with. Or did. I’ve found other aspects of myself as I’ve grown and aged and changed. I’ve seen the similarities between us and it was those similarities that made it easier for me to grasp that it was this goddess who wanted my attention. However, now, the lesson isn’t as potent or as necessary anymore. I really am growing up.
It is now that I honor her and worship her; it is now that I know she holds my heart in her hands. It is through her that I’ve slowly started to accept, not just me, but the things that have happened because of my innate belief that I destroyed everything and everyone around me. It is through her that I seek retribution for my wrongs, but also through her that I seek healing for the wrongs committed against me.
She is my ultimate lesson: I can be angry and petty and destructive, but I can also heal others and be healed.
This lesson has been a long time in coming and it is with sorrow that I finally admit it to myself.
And see that I really am growing up.
* Khnum is the creator god of all physical manifestations. It may seem, vaguely, that his role (and my belief in his role) counteracts my beliefs in reincarnation and the ka’s creation of the future lives it will live. It does not. It is only the physical body that he creates before placing it in the womb. I think that Khnum and the various kas out there work together for this end result.