I have talked a lot (at various times) about divination. I’ve talked about performing it. I’ve talked about my history with Tarot cards. I’ve talked about believing it. I’ve talked about collecting it. I’ve talked about it collecting dust while I ignored it. I’ve talked about doing it more regularly than I do now. But, I’ve never really said what it means and what it has to do with this mishmash faith that I practice.
My faith, as I’ve said repeatedly, is incredibly important to me and as an aspect of my faith, Tarot, in specific, and divination, in general, are also important to me. In fact, while I do consider divination and Tarot readings as a portion of my belief system, it isn’t a primary belief system. It isn’t upon this single act that many other aspects branch from. It was Tarot, really, that I discovered before this spiritual turnpike garnered my attention. So, in reality, Tarot is the most important aspect of myself that I have brought over to my polytheistic something-or-other.
In actuality, Tarot reading came about because of my mother. She started some time after she graduated from high school, if I’m not mistaken. She was a child of her time (seventies) and this was one thing that followed her around. She still had decks around after I was born and up until she married my daddy (who threw them out with her spirit board). When I learned of this, in a time of darkest emo-ness, Tarot seemed like as good a thing as any to use to follow in her footsteps. It was a desperate act of a child trying to get approval from a remote parent, but also to discover who they were in regards to family and genetics. I can safely say that we are both entirely different people, nowadays, but we both still have a flair when it comes to giving readings. I, of course, have more recent practice than she.
I have had a lot of different decks over the years, but I tend to find myself going back and back and back again to the basic, Rider-Waite decks. I use this as a basis for my entire life, actually. I look and peruse and eyeball things, but I always go back to the same type of Tarot deck/boyfriend/pants size/hair color/etc. (The possibilities are deliciously endless.)
I’ve looked at Oracle decks and the Crowley… things, but they’ve never held my interest for long. And in fact, I’m not a huge fan of anything to do with Crowley, so I’ve kept away from that in its entirety. However, aside from various Tarot decks, I have (and do) own various Oracle decks, as well. Of course, as a collector, this is bound to happen. I can say, confidently, that in [almost] all of the decks that I currently own, I have used them at some time or another. Whether or not I’ve used them regularly is an entirely different story.
I’ve said, on occasion, that I used to practice Tarot on a very regular basis. In fact, I used to use them on just about a daily basis. And to say that I was scarily accurate is an understatement. However, just as one can forget exactly how to drive a standard transmission or mathematics or pretty much almost entirely everything ever learned in high school, I have forgotten just how to perform readings. When it comes to my personal readings, I’m not even that good anymore. I’m constantly second-guessing myself. And that particular habit blows.
I constantly harp on myself either in this journal or in my head about how I really have to get back into the habit. Hell, I say that to The Sister all the time, so why not tell myself the same thing, right? And every time I silently say, Yes. Yes. I need to do this. I can’t put it off any longer, I keep putting it off. I consider this only partly due to my Lazy Disease. I think a lot of it has to do with a basic belief that circles in my head frequently: “Well, why bother? You suck at it now and there’s little doubt that you’ll get any better.” Yep. That’s right; a lack of self-confidence gets in the way.
All of this leaves me at a distinct disadvantage, as in, I feel pretty damn fucked.
I go on a lot about what’s important to me, especially when it comes to my faith. I go on a very, very lot about what should be important to me, especially when it comes to my faith. Hell, I go over lists in my head (regularly) of all the things that will be important to me because it hedges, in some way, on this rambling road I practice. However, I rarely go on about what is important to me just because it’s a part of me.
I have little doubt in my mind and in my heart that Tarot is a basic tenet of who I am and who I will become as opposed to something that is a mere passing faith. I have little doubt that it will be something that I will want to teach my children to endure, love, and participate in. (Honestly, my son already tries to participate, but not in ways I would prefer at present.) I have little doubt that Tarot will be as much a part of me now as it will be in the future. While I can’t see shelves of a collection going, I can see me… just shuffling. And, honestly, Tarot is something that I would like to bring out and into the open, instead of feeling like I need to hide it from prying eyes.
I don’t want to be ashamed or embarrassed by what other people think or feel.
Because Tarot is important. And is me.
So, I’ve figured that I need to work on this. I need to work, excessively, on my self-confidence in this matter. I never worried or second-guessed myself before when it came to Tarot, and that included the time that I was with my ex-husband. So, the fact that I’m worried now… that’s a very big deal. It’s a core problem to everything, as far as I am concerned. I don’t know, really, how to get my confidence back in this matter. There isn’t some rule book or set of commandments that I can go by. Unfortunately.
I stated once that I needed to get back to basics. I mistook the meaning behind this as getting the same deck as what I had first started with. I think what I was supposed to learn from that was that I need to start all over. I need to learn my cards, inside and out, but I also have to re-learn how to give readings, to myself and to the public. Obviously, it used to come to me naturally, but not any longer. My childish lack of self-esteem has burned through the natural talent I had for the damn things. I just need to… start over.
Just like I have with the ending of every major period in my life, it’s time that I do similarly with my Tarot and divination. I need to do a [metaphorical] move two thousand plus miles away from the source of the problem. I just have to remember that I’m doing this for a good cause; I’m doing this for me.
It’s a part of me; it’s a core tenet to who I am.
I owe it, and myself, more than I have been.