I’ve been working, all day, on the things I mentioned here that I needed to work on. It’s been a really tiring day and I’m not done yet. I just want to go barreling through all of this and get it over with, but I know that in writing it all out… It’s not really solving the overall problem I still have.
And that really aggravates me.
What the fuck else am I supposed to do, huh?
Should I open up a vein and bleed it all out? Should I cry about it? Should I ask for forgiveness or grant it? How the fuck do I do any of these things because it’s just not in my nature. Here, I am, letting it all the fuck out and it hurts and sucks and makes my brain hurt. But, I don’t know where to go after all of this. I don’t know how to do the ‘letting go’ part of this exercise.
I don’t know how to do this.
Mystical Bewilderment 
I’m not sure if anything I have to say will be of any help.. but it takes time. To truly let go… takes time. And for me, it’s usually a process that goes on in the background. Not something that I can sit down and actively do. Perhaps by writing, in a way, you are already letting things out. Letting them go. Perhaps you’ve started on the journey, and you don’t even realize it yet?
Writing things out is how I work through things. However, the last time I went this route (in story form) it didn’t really work. In fact, it became so painful that I couldn’t continue.
I’m just worried that in bringing this all back up and rehashing this fucked up bullshit that I’m not really learning the lesson I need to learn. I know that there are probably more than just one lesson that I need to learn, but it just feels that in letting this all out… That I’m not solving all of it as quickly as I’d prefer.
And I just want this all done sooner as opposed to later. It hurts so badly to hold onto all of this.
” That I’m not solving all of it as quickly as I’d prefer.”
Note “as I’d prefer”. I can understand that, relate to that. Want to run before I’ve even learned to crawl. I can understand pain as well (though perhaps not your pain specifically). Perhaps the lesson (one of them) is to accept the process? To let the process take it’s time- as processes often do?
For what it is worth, I do feel that I sorta understand your situation. There are things that I’m supposed to be working on right now- and I start on them and usually hit a point where I’m just like… “what now?” I feel like I make no progress. I get nowhere, and that I’ve accomplished nothing but headache (and pain- there is usually that). But only after I’ve gone through the shit pile do I realize that maybe I have accomplished at least a little bit of something. Right now I’m trying to figure out ‘what next’ for myself. I usually wait it out, and let the world carry me where I need to go in order to get where I need to be.
If it is helpful, I am available to talk. I know you don’t know me, and I don’t know your situation too well, but if you need someone to bounce ideas or frustrations off of, I am here.
I think you’re right. In writing down a lot of the stuff, I come off as angry still and embittered. However, the fact that I can write it all down and say, “This is what happened. This is what I felt and saw and knew. This is what I should have realized was going to happen.” I think doing all of that helps, too.
I’ve been writing it all out in my regular blog. It… it hurts. But, I think it’s working. I think I was just having a panicky moment because I didn’t suddenly feel “all better” after writing a bunch of it down.
That by itself seems like progress to me :)
Thanks for the vote of confidence.