I am beginning to wonder some things…
Sekhmet is my primary goddess. Without her, I would be lost. I would be… a shell of my former self. I would be little to nothing without her guidance. I can feel her walking beside me in everything that I do. Sometimes, the feeling is stronger than others. I have dreams where we walk side-by-side in a gold-red desert. The wind blows hot and sends sand into our eyes, but we kept at peace from the scratch of the particles for the hot wind is merely her breath come to Earth. Her lion’s face grins ferociously at me as I say and do silly things and I grin back at her. The laughter we share and the tears I cry, she is there for my always.
I don’t have this kind of a connection with Hwt-Hrw. I’m beginning to wonder if Sekhmet foisted her on me a little too early. Or perhaps, Sekhmet was hoping that I was soften and melt a little with the entrance of this loving goddess. Perhaps she thought it would heal me better than she herself could do. Perhaps a lot of things, but I honestly don’t know what they are. One would assume that since I am so very close with Sekhmet that a similar connection would be made with Hwt-Hrw. After all, in some myths, they’re one in the same.
But, not to me. Sekhmet is kindness and sweetness and anger and rage. Hwt-Hrw is happiness and love and motherhood. She is a lot of things that I cannot or will not see in myself. Yes, I am a mother. Yes, I have known both love and happiness. Motherhood, for me, is love and happiness. In that, we are together. However, the separation of love and happiness from motherhood is impossible. I know not these things without the other. So, in that, I think that while she is to be a patron, not yet.
I should honor her now but it will be some time before I have a connection with her.
This makes me sad and it makes Sekhmet sad. However, there is some other things that need to come first. There are a lot of things that need to come first. I need to get back into the Tarot, which while housed by Hwt-Hrw, they mean nothing to her. It is a gift that is ancestral and has little to do with the gods. I have to become more in tune with the earth and while Hwt-Hrw is the wife of Re, the king of kings and the king of Zep Tepi, she has little to do with the earth in my eyes. I have to practice more crystal healing again and while she would probably like the rocks I have, this is for me and not for her.
I have a lot of things that I have to work on for myself before I can turn to that woman.
In the mean time, I will continue to pay homage to her. She is sad that I’m not ready for her yet and honestly, so am I. I jumped the gun, though. I had been pushing her away for months, but in reality? In order for us to have a closer relationship, I think I may have to deny her for a bit longer. After all, that is how it was with Sekhmet. I ignored her for nearly two years before I threw myself one hundred percent into everything that was my patroness. Perhaps, two years is a little excessive, but two months wasn’t enough time for me to be fully ready for this aspect of the path.
So. Hwt-Hrw is going to be moved to atop my jewelry box. The shelves between the windows will house other things for the time being. I will still give the lady breakfast in the morning and speak to her when my son aggravates me into impatience, but she will not hold the special place in my heart that Sekhmet does.
This pisses off Sekhmet, slightly, but she’s still understanding.
I have to do for myself before I can do for my goddess.