I have been feeling a little lost, a little overwhelmed, lately. I don’t know if it is simply because I want to be grandiose and I cannot afford to be or if it simply a lost and adrift feeling that comes on occasion.
Yesterday, I forgot to do my morning ritual and today, things did not go well. I would like to think that it is merely coincidental and that Sekhmet would not be so cruel to someone who wishes only to hear her words, to feel her tenderness, and to know her in all ways. However, I do know that she can be quite vengeful and I have done quite enough to her in recent months. I don’t know if the things are one in the same or if I am imagining things. I only know that I feel sad and uprooted, overwhelmed and lost. I just want someone to make it okay.
I know that there are a lot of things that I say that I am going to do and yet haven’t. I said that I would make natron. I said that I would make some naan bread for netjer. I said that I would worship her faithfully every day and while I have [mostly] done that, I have failed at least one time. I have not made natron for purification purposes. I have not purified myself as Reidy mentions in his book in the morning bath, as I so desired. I have not done a lot of the things that I want to.
I don’t know if my lack of energy for this is because I don’t know if I’m doing things properly, if I feel that I don’t have the necessary things for said rituals, or if it is a biological agent that is tearing me down. I worry constantly about this: it niggles the back of my brain. Perhaps I am just not cut out for all of this. Perhaps I should go back to being an eclectic fool who bounces from area to area and knows that what she says is the Word to Follow because that is all that she needs.
No. I know that this is the path for me. I know what I need and what I desire to do. I know where to go from here, but I feel stunted. I feel like I’m being held back. Perhaps some other patron is demanding my attention and my ignorance of his/her hand in my life is causing all of this ruckus? Someone mentioned that Sutekh is a bit of a prankster in daily life when he wants your attention…
I just don’t know anymore and I feel like there are not enough lamentations in the world to unburden my heart.