Listening Benefits the Listener.

I have been feeling a little lost, a little overwhelmed, lately. I don’t know if it is simply because I want to be grandiose and I cannot afford to be or if it simply a lost and adrift feeling that comes on occasion.

Yesterday, I forgot to do my morning ritual and today, things did not go well. I would like to think that it is merely coincidental and that Sekhmet would not be so cruel to someone who wishes only to hear her words, to feel her tenderness, and to know her in all ways. However, I do know that she can be quite vengeful and I have done quite enough to her in recent months. I don’t know if the things are one in the same or if I am imagining things. I only know that I feel sad and uprooted, overwhelmed and lost. I just want someone to make it okay.

I know that there are a lot of things that I say that I am going to do and yet haven’t. I said that I would make natron. I said that I would make some naan bread for netjer. I said that I would worship her faithfully every day and while I have [mostly] done that, I have failed at least one time. I have not made natron for purification purposes. I have not purified myself as Reidy mentions in his book in the morning bath, as I so desired. I have not done a lot of the things that I want to.

I don’t know if my lack of energy for this is because I don’t know if I’m doing things properly, if I feel that I don’t have the necessary things for said rituals, or if it is a biological agent that is tearing me down. I worry constantly about this: it niggles the back of my brain. Perhaps I am just not cut out for all of this. Perhaps I should go back to being an eclectic fool who bounces from area to area and knows that what she says is the Word to Follow because that is all that she needs.

No. I know that this is the path for me. I know what I need and what I desire to do. I know where to go from here, but I feel stunted. I feel like I’m being held back. Perhaps some other patron is demanding my attention and my ignorance of his/her hand in my life is causing all of this ruckus? Someone mentioned that Sutekh is a bit of a prankster in daily life when he wants your attention…

I just don’t know anymore and I feel like there are not enough lamentations in the world to unburden my heart.

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6 thoughts on “Listening Benefits the Listener.

  1. I am sorry that you are still feeling lost. It might take a bit to get into the swing of things. I know that sometimes I forget to give my sacrifices and libations to Hestia, which makes me feel like complete crap, but I think there must be a sort of window to get acclimated with everything.

    You are on the right path. I know you are.

  2. Sekhemib,

    You said that you were wondering if “it is a biological agent that is tearing me down”. Are you referring to possible depression? (As in, the medical condition rather than just feeling really bummed out). If so, it’s probably something you want to get checked out. I’m not a doctor and do not play one on TV, but I’ve experienced depression before. It colors everything, from relationships to work, and yes, even spirituality.

    I have a suggestion: you may want to consider taking a step back from formal rituals. I LOVE Rich Reidy’s work, but if rituals are overwhelming you can take a break. You can just sit quietly in your ritual space, and tell your patron how you feel. You can ask her for guidance, and healing.

    I am a huge perfectionist. I had a very hard time with rituals because I was afraid of doing them “wrong”. Some of the best advice anyone ever gave me was to just address the Gods in my own words for awhile, and then work my way up to formal ritual. Guess who gave me that advice? Rich. Even he understands that we need to start small.

    Also, you don’t have to lock yourself into a commitment of daily practice unless you have an open statue. I recall you saying at one point that you wanted one. If you want to serve your Goddess that way then that’s a beautiful thing. However, it’s not easy to get into the habit of daily ritual. It took me two years before I really got into the rhythm of it. Be patient. You’re doing fine.

    Blessings,

    Nehet

    P.S.: I like your name. What does it mean? I’m thinking it’s either “Sekhmet’s heart” or “Strong heart”. Either way, I like :)

    • Actually, I think it’s more than depression. I was diagnosed with manic-depression, however I’ve been off meds for fourteen years now. I have had some very tough times, but I don’t think the depression that I suffer is as difficult or as painful as the diagnose of manic-depression. To be honest, I think I might have some other thing wrong with me. I don’t know what, though. I was thinking that once the health insurance kicks in then I would go ahead and go to a general doctor and see what we can figure out.

      I’m a pretty big perfectionist myself. I want everything to be perfect and grandiose and in-your-face right from the start. I forget that things have to start small.

      My name means Powerful in Heart, Belonging to the Justice of Re. I found Powerful in Heart on some random website, but knew the second half from all of the obsessive reading I’ve done about the Middle Kingdom. =D

  3. There’s no shame in a diagnosis of manic depression. I’m bipolar myself. Getting on the right meds after years of doctors not knowing what’s wrong with me did me a world of good.

    Still, if you think there’s something else wrong then it is important to see a doctor. It sounds like you were diagnosed pretty young. It’s hard to get a proper diagnosis for kids and teenagers.

    • My best friend is bi-polar, as well. She was only diagnosed in the last three/four years before the doctors figured out what the hell was going on! She’s been on good medication from day one and there has been little backlash from any of it.

      Everyone when I was a teenager was diagnosed with depression, manic or otherwise. It’s a genetic disposition in my family: The women suffer from depression. Sometimes medication is needed, but usually, we can pull ourselves out of it with the proper motivation. Still, I think I may have something like chronic fatigue syndrome.

      • CFS can sometimes resemble depression. Depression can sometimes resemble CFS. Other things can drag you down as well, like something as simple as a vitamin deficiency.

        At the end of the day diagnosis isn’t really what matters. What matters is what they can do to make it better. I hope the doctor’s appointment goes well and you feel better soon!

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