So, last night, I decided to use the power of my birthday kindled with the power of wp-rnpt so that I could dedicate myself full into the heart, eyes, and mind of my patron deity, Sekhmet. All week long, I have been looking forward to this ritual. I have hoped that this is the pinnacle moment in which my disconnect evaporates and my atonement has finally ended. This was the moment that I saw my spiritual life fully coming into itself and everything thereafter fall into place. Okay, so I may have put a little more desperation into this ritual preparation than I should have.
Either way, it doesn’t matter because my atonement is definitely not over.
I honestly don’t know where I went wrong and I’ve been wracking my brain. Even in my sleep, I was trying to pinpoint the problems but nothing happened. There was no dawning moment of, “Ah-ha! I fucked it all up here!” There is only the resounding silence in my mind and the fetally-curled, sobbing heart in my chest.
Perhaps I screwed up by not entirely cleaning my apartment before the ritual? I had done a major cleaning last Wednesday and had partially cleaned it two days ago. I hadn’t vacuumed the carpet or washed the floor in the kitchen/dining area as I had intended. Perhaps this is what was found to be left wanting? To ruin everything? Perhaps it was the mass of dishes in the sink and the children’s toys on the floor? Maybe it was the fact that I was too confident in my ability to contact my netjeret on the first shot?
Or, maybe I screwed up on the meditation aspect. I have an extremely difficult time meditating and always have. I feel like I should be doing something at all times, so meditating is difficult. However, I thought that if I had some background noise in the form of music then everything would be okay. The music I had chosen was distracting me so I did a search online for some and found only crap. So, I decided to try and work without the music and I got next to nowhere in the whole meditation thing. However, I felt grounded and at peace with everything that I was getting ready to do. I think it was okay, or I thought it was, but I don’t know now!
I held my ritual and I stumbled over the unfamiliar words. I felt silly for stumbling since I had written it myself. I added words after the fact, but maybe that was the problem. Maybe what I was saying to her was offensive? Or perhaps it was too needy? I am needy. I need the love and the affection that was always present years ago. Now, I feel nothing and I’m ready to cry in my misery. I know that crying about it isn’t going to fix it with her: tears do not work on one of the netjeru. But, I am desperate now and I don’t know where I went wrong.
I had to have fucked this up somehow, but where? Was the ritual to Wiccan/pagan? That’s entirely possible. Was it too forced? Was it too desperate? Was it the wrong time? Is she angry because I forgot to do my affirmations? Is she angry because I don’t do them every day? Should I get up with the sun every day and greet it like the ancient Egyptians? I just don’t know anymore!