Recently, I have felt strangely, frighteningly disconnected from both of my netjeret, Sekhmet and Ma’at. The disconnection from Ma’at is not nearly so disconcerting as the disconnection from Sekhmet. She is, after all, my primary patron. The other day, I made mention that I think this is in large part due to the fact that I wasn’t listening to my instincts. Months ago, I should have fully dedicated myself, but I listened to those “older and wiser” than I thought that I was at the time.
However, I have always gone my own way. And I know that I need to listen to myself and I know to do this. I know me better than anyone else. I am me, after all. And yet… I listened to others instead.
I know why, of course. At the time that the idea first came to mind, I was quite unsure of myself. I was constantly upset and angry with everything–living with Tim and Lori; their constant commentary on me and my lifestyle; my job situation… Everything was fucked up and horrible and, of course, it was entirely my fault. I had, after all, made the decision to move up here in the first place. So if those instincts were wrong, then why would they be right about my spiritual well-being? So it seemed safer to listen to The EM and to the Sister than it was to listen to myself.
Of course, I should have known this was wrong immediately, right from the get-go. All of my spellcraft went to complete and utter shit. No matter what I was trying to do or enable, it was complete shit. And no matter how many times the same thing was reworked, nothing worked. In desperation, I cleansed myself within an inch of my [metaphorical] life and I cleansed the utter crap out of my surroundings… to absolutely no avail.
I don’t know when I stopped hearing or feeling close to Sekhmet. I can’t even pinpoint the exact moment and that, in and of itself, should be frightening enough. She was always forefront on my mind. I talked about her all of the time, just ask anyone. She came up in conversation whenever anything remotely spiritual or metaphysical was thought about, never mind discussed. But, it faded, of course, because I don’t see or hear or feel her any longer.
I know that I wounded her sense of pride. And the pride of a lioness, the lioness, is not one to fuck with.
Too many times, I have turned away…
The first few times were always understandable. I was young and I didn’t know what was going on. I had no way of knowing that the obsession working within my heart was the first tendrils of her attention and affection. When finally I was introduced to this whole pagan lifestyle, I realized pretty quickly what had been going on all of this time. And Sekhmet understood that we had to wait before things could be solidified for more direction, training, and space.
The whole process was slow-going. I had to start from the very beginning and under someone else’s tutelage. As seen now, her path was not my path, but I had to start somewhere. It helped me to learn all that I needed to learn: that the way of the Sister was just simply not the way of me. A lot of learning and backsliding and empowerment. It was fun and Sekhmet was always there. She was so happy for me… And then when “the coven” was finally together, I thought it was just another learning opportunity. And I did learn. I really did.
I learned that The EM relished the role of our teacher. She enjoyed it to the point where she became an utter control freak. Things in circle were always about her problems and her issues, even if we had initially started out with a specific goal in mind. Her guidance became more like a strong influence of something alien that had wormed its way into my head. It felt like I was married again and that instead of The Ex-Husband it was The EM.
I learned that The EM put no faith in Western religion or in Western/Eastern combination religions. She had faith only in the Eastern path. She pawned her Eastern awareness, ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and theories on The Sister and I. We were constantly hounded and bombarded. Then, she grew upset with us if we rebelled or didn’t do it “correctly” or if we tried to morph it into something easily combined with our Western religious beliefs.
I learned that The EM was incredibly adaptable when it came to utilizing various deities. She could throw a god or goddess out there faster than a cobra can strike. She could always morph the deity into exactly what she needed at that moment in time. This was a trait that I used to respect. I have long since learned the error of my ways.
I learned that The EM was incredibly jealous of my close connection to my netjeret, Sekhmet. I don’t know if the jealousy was in large part due to the relationship itself, the fact that Sekhmet had chosen me instead of her, or that the EM wanted a close relationship with Sekhmet. I have no idea when it started or for how long the jealousy grew until it back lashed at me. All I do know is that she was jealous…
…and poisoned my path.
Everyone thought that they were doing the right thing by me and by my path. They thought that telling me to wait until the waters were calmer was in my very best interest. I do not blame The Sister for this since I knew the truth way back when. She was only doing what she thought was right for me and at the probable behest of The EM, whether she knows it or not. Sometimes, I blame The EM but mostly, I blame myself. I knew better!
That’s the thing about hindsight, though. It is always 20/20.
When I declared that Kemetic Recon was my complete intent and true path, I should have immediately planned a dedication ceremony. I should have started planning it from the get-go. Hell, I should have done one on the fly and if that didn’t cement anything, then done a ritual as planned and ornate as I could possibly find. I should have paid more attention to the needs and desires of my goddess. She is, after all, my patroness.
She is everything.
I know where I have failed in all of this and I know why. I can only hope that she will forgive me.