I have been feeling exceptionally disconnected from my netjeret lately. I have always felt her as an imposing presence deep within. I have felt her soft purrs and her angry roars. I have heard her voice whisper to me when I asked for clarification, but lately, I have been exceptionally blank and without her guidance. I wonder, often, if this is just because I have wronged her in some way and it is possible…
My path is spiritual. My path is for the betterment of my soul and for the continued ma’at of the universe. I strongly believe that without even the slightest comment or praise to Re for having made it through the perils of the night or without the deference shown to the great goddess, Ma’at, that isfret would take over and the world would be plunged into chaos. Without these little comments and thoughts, the world could honestly end. While I do not believe that long, drawn-out rituals should be necessary to prolong the existence of the human race, I do think that they are occasionally needed.
I think this is the problem.
For a long time, both The Sister and the EM warned me against Sekhmet. They reminded me that, in all, she was a destroyer goddess. In their minds, and in their words, they tried to remind me and convince me that Sekhmet was little better than Kali. While I have great deference for that particular destructive goddess, she did not request my services; Sekhmet did. For about two years, I strongly debated fully embodying my goddess in all things and completely renouncing everyone else who wanted to place a claim. It made sense at the time: I needed the very strength of the netjeret who nearly destroyed the world, but I was warned away from her. I was told that to do so would unleash the destruction of everything all around me and this, this I truly feared.
I shouldn’t have listened because I forgot, of course, that Sekhmet is also the deity in charge of healing. It was to her that all of Egypt turned to keep their friends and families healthy. Every new year, they would hand out medallions of protection carved with her image so that illness would be warded away. I also forgot that she was the cosmic protector of the pharaohs when they went into battle. It was believed that she protected Pharaoh with arrows made of flame. She was also thought to have created the desert with her breath and the hot, desert wind was her breath. Her body represented the harshest part of the day, the midday sun. She wasn’t just a destroyer deity.
And besides, her destructive side stems from those not living in ma’at. She was an Eye of Ra and brought the unstable world back into alignment. Without her having been there to smite the enemies of Pharaoh and of Ma’at, the world would have fallen apart amid all the isfret going on. While she is depicted as a destroyer deity, this doesn’t mean that she is all bad.
I cannot help but think that she is ignoring me, though. I grow sicker every day. The couch that I thought was gone is back in full vengeance. And a new illness prevails my head. I feel like I wronged her somehow and I don’t know what I did to fix it. I would get down on my knees and cry to her, but I know she would be offended by the weakness that is pouring from me. Or maybe that is all of it: she is so angry with me because I have been weakened by doubt and everything in my physical life. I have turned away from my spiritual development.
Something has to give and I know what does: I have to follow her. She calls to me and there is nothing I can do to deny her any longer. I must devote myself to her.