My pagan life has been a long road in the last four years. It seems silly to write that out and just laying it out there like that, but it has been. In the last four years, I have seen and done things that have solidified my belief into the realm of Kemetic Recon but before that, I was what one would term an eclectic pagan. In other words, I followed a Wiccan version of ritual and spellcraft and celebrated the eight major Sabbats of Wiccan belief.
I should mention, however, that Wicca itself was incredibly vague in the religious practiced by myself, my sister, and a third coven mate who no longer practices with us. There were mentions to the Lord and Lady, which I believe is a strong indication of a Wicca-based religion, but I can’t say for sure. I was interested in various aspects of Wicca, but not its totality. This was fine with my coven mates since they were only vaguely interested in it in a religious sense. They were, in essence, full on pagans who took a little of this and a little of that.
The Sister was initiated by The EM years before I got around to the two of them. I was only just beginning and The Sister was falling away from the faith when I showed up on the scene. I expressed an interest and it solidified our bond. She showed me my first ritual on Lughnasa, which was really fun. I don’t think I’ve had that much fun in ritual since then, to be honest. Sure, we have laughter and enjoyment, but… Well, I will get to that. Suffice it to say that with my first Lughnasa, I was thoroughly hooked. There were esbats and games and divination and amusing anecdotes, but nothing overly serious. The EM played a minor role at this point since she was living a terrible life far away and couldn’t really practice her faith as much as she would want to.
Things were done long distance between the three of us for most of 2007 and part of 2008.
Fast forward to late 2008.
At this point, I had moved closer to The Sister and The EM. On Samhain of that year, The Sister decided to do a full initiation into the Rite. I hadn’t been Initiated at that point, so it seemed like a good idea. I had been, more or less, practicing for two years at that point so, it was high time. As it was pointed out later, I had surpassed the usual ‘year and a day’ that follows people who are intrigued by the faith. So, I was initiated and it was all right. The Sister really knows how to write a ritual when she thinks about it and puts her mind to it. Unfortunately, her self-esteem in this arena has since gone downhill and she’s at the point where she thinks she can’t do anything with it. Sad.
The EM was a practicing Buddhist with pagan leanings. This was an odd mix and it was through her that I started reaching away from ancient Egypt. This wreaked havoc with the inherent power that lies dormant within me. I think it was partly sabotage on the part of The EM. I’m not trying to make her out to be a selfish bitch, but I know she was jealous of the bond between The Sister and I. So, I think that’s part of the reason why she kept encouraging me to reach out and move into other arenas.
Unfortunately for me and my natural power, I am incredibly Kemetic by nature. This stems from being in love with the whole culture from as far back as elementary school. I’m pretty sure I lived in ancient Egypt a few times in past lives, so it only stands to reason that I’d be drawn there. My primary deities had already made themselves very apparent in my life by that point and had picked me out even before I started researching paganism/Wicca: Sekhmet and Ma’at. These two deities have thwapped me in various ways, but that’s another story.
Anyway, I was instructed by both The Sister and The EM that I had to back away from Sekhmet, which made Sekhmet very unhappy. I was informed that to embody that part of myself would entirely destroy who I was and all of the relationships around me. This wreaked incredibly havoc with everything I did starting from December of ’08 until late ’09. Yeah, it took me nearly a year to figure out that I should probably stop listening to the people who are around me and should listen to my gut instinct on these things. The purring in my head from Sekhmet is back, so that’s an added bonus. Anyway.
The EM suggested that both The Sister and I look into Hinduism since we were both pretty against Buddhism. It’s nothing against the religion, but it’s not for either of us. Since I didn’t live with The EM like The Sister, I could just shrug her Buddhist suggestions off. The Sister was not so lucky; she had to listen to it all the time. This wreaked havoc with her power, but that’s her story to tell. Well, so we both looked into Hinduism. It sat well with me because it was close to ancient Egyptian, although a little more lovey-dovey and far more confusing. (It’s funny to say that since ancient Egyptian myths are one of those most confusing out there.) The Sister particularly enjoyed the deities such as Krishna and Vishnu. I only seemed to connect with Kali and Ganesha and was told never to invoke Kali.
I could understand that suggestion just fine.
The EM influenced us in our personal lives as well as our religious lives. Things became very difficult in the ritual world after that. It was always protection rites and fending of demons or invoking deities. Sure, I don’t mind doing a little invocation now and then, but it seemed to be happening all the time and there was always something jumping onto the invocation bandwagon and interrupting our question and answer session. The EM was having difficulties with her own power since she was going through a divorce and realizing how much she hated her life and wanted to get rid of every aspect of her life at present. This meant clearing the slate.
She cleared the slate with us in April, I think, of 08.
Unfortunately, her influence turned malicious and things grew steadily worse after all of the personal shit went down. The Sister was firmly convinced that all of the bad luck following us had to do with The EM. I’ve thought about this after asking other pagans their shtick on the whole thing. I don’t think any of the bad luck had to do with The EM bespelling us to have bad luck. I think it was just back lash, cosmically, for ignoring everything that felt right and good to us. For example, Sekhmet was pretty damn fucking pissed off that I was ignoring what she wanted and she made that known. It’s possible that the universe had to align just right for me to see it, and it did. This meant a lot of bad luck in the mean time.
Unfortunately, The Sister’s run of bad luck isn’t over yet so I think she still has something to learn from all of this.
Since the end of our eclectic coven, neither The Sister nor I did anything overly serious in ritual or spell work. Our Sabbats and Esbats became drinking sessions out of ritual cups while we bitched about life and got steadily drunker. Occasionally we burned candles for healing and incense to cleanse ourselves, but that was the extent of it. When it came to spell craft, it got to the point where we decided what was the point since nothing worked out the way we had intended, anyway. We both went into spells knowing that they wouldn’t work and that really isn’t a good idea when you’re trying to effect some form of change on the universe at large or at least, your personal life. It’s taken me a while to figure that out, but I finally figured it out, thanks to Ma’at and Heka.
It was only after I joined The Cauldron (henceforth known as TC) that I realized what was partly the problem. I claimed to be an eclectic pagan with heavy leanings toward the Kemetic pantheon. My problem was that my “heavy leanings” had become occasional wild forays into a land that I no longer understand. I didn’t realize this until about a month ago and I can say that it wasn’t like a bell going off. It was more like, “Oh… well, yeah, that makes sense,” over a very extended period of time. Reading the posts of the hardcore recons from Kemetic society and their knowledge made me realize that I wanted to go there.
I wanted to be that knowledgeable and I wanted to be that certain in my faith.
It’s about that time that the purring in my head became louder. I was obviously on the right path and Sekhmet was encouraging me to the best of her ability. I like hearing it when she’s happy; the roars are head splitting.
So, on January 5th, it hit me like an epiphany: I should probably go with what I know and stop delving into something that feels mysterious and oil-like to me. (The mysterious aspect is pretty obvious since I never seem to know what the fuck I’m doing at any given time in the Wicca/Pagan arena. The oil-like feeling, I think, is just because it coated me so thickly with something that wasn’t healthy for me.)
I don’t know where to begin.
I don’t know where this is going to take me.
But, I know it’s the right way.