I’ve had a lot of weird thoughts lately, none of which even compare to the conversation I had with Hekate last night. After my last post, I decided I should sit down with her. It was a feeling, coupled with just this impressive need to commune with a deity. I think this is a normal feeling for most practicing polytheists; this indescribable need to just feel connected to something bigger, badder, and more impressive than you. I think humans need this – which could explain why religions are so very important to us in some aspects – and that’s where this stems from. But, also, I’ve had a couple of hits the last few days on the religious front that made me sit back and go, Hm. I need to talk to Hekate about some things. While some of the bigger things we could have discussed didn’t come up, something bigger and more important came up.
Religiously nourished, she says, but not spiritually.
I found this really fucking hilarious since, earlier, a meme had gone around Tumblr that I had commented on as well as watched the comments from my dash pile up on. For those not willing to click the link, there’s a picture there that says, “Religion is for people afraid of going to hell; Spirituality is for people who have already been there.” I mean, I get the point behind this particular meme. There’s been a lot of talk (and no, I’m not linking because I’m lazy and this is about me, after all) about how there are some polytheists and pagans who are either “religious,” “religious and spiritual,” or “spiritual, not religious.” I firmly fall into the first category. I am definitely religious and have defined myself as such to outsiders so that, when they try to having a pissing contest over who is the most religious, I can clearly say, “Hey, I have religion too even if you don’t understand what I’m referring to.” But I’ve nearly really referred to myself as “spiritual” in a serious sense and I’ve never really thought about my spiritual nourishment, or lack thereof, prior to this moment.
…Blog title not withstanding.
I can say that before this very moment, even before this card reading, but definitely before this very second, I never took into consideration that I would need to feed a part of my soul that could, possibly, be starving. I think of myself as a religious person, but not as a spiritual person. I take things and I have melded them all into a practice, but when it comes to the spiritual side of things, I’m a little lax. I figured that if push came to shove, the whole living in ma’at thing would fix that. Or, you know, I could address it a little later down this winding, random, constantly aimlessly searching path.
In effect, when I spoke with Hekate, I was informed that this whole “living in ma’at” search is not really as important as I’ve made it out to be. Oh, she’s proud of the essay I wrote and is gung-ho for part two to come out. (And yes. There will be a part two.) However, that’s a part of my religious upbringing. While it may, at one point in future, correlate with spiritual work and feeding my soul in a way at some later date, right now, my soul is starving. This is, in effect, a very real reason as to why I’m having feelings that don’t quite correlate with reality: dark, deep, depressing, and just nasty feelings when I do feel and then, mindless automaton the rest of the time. And who knows how long this diet of non-spiritual living has been going on? If the feelings I have right now are an indicator, I’d have to assume that this has been an ongoing thing… maybe since “October” since that’s the calendar entry I keep having flash in my mind when I think about this. (Vision? Maybe. Interesting that an exact month keeps popping up when I think about this, though.)
I went back through my calendar just now, to see why “October” would appear. I don’t know what I was expecting. I’m not big on those big neon signs that blink at you. I’m surprised I was able to even derive a general time frame for this spiritual anorexia to begin with. But, I’m beginning to think more clearly about this and I have to wonder if it was possibly around that time that shit began to get real, as they say, with the ex-husband stuff I began working on with Hekate. I was working on other, minor, past life stuff prior to the ex-husband things and I… I wonder if it was possibly around then that I began to work so heavily to please Hekate, to attain what we were discussing, but also to be able to move on, for fuck’s sake. And perhaps it was all of that… maybe, just maybe all of that pushing and shoving to achieve the fucking goal was what tossed me into this lack of spiritual nourishment phase… thing. Whatchamacallit.
So, if it’s not the whole worry about “living in ma’at” that is going to fix this problem, what is?
The overall answers I was given were a little murky. It seems like I should be able to fulfill this nourishment requirement on my own. I have the foundations, but I’m not quite smart enough to see that the foundation is there. When I requested more information, I was given the “motherhood” card as an indicator. Hm. It couldn’t possibly be a signpost that, maybe, being a mom is one of those things spiritually nourish me? I don’t know. I honestly and truly have issues with being a mother some days. I am very insecure, I have very low self-esteem, and I have numerous internal monologues that harp at the things that I think I “do wrong.” Whether or not I am doing it wrong, I don’t know. I don’t exactly have a manual to work off of here. But, this whole mommy thing is supposed to be nourishing. And in a way, I can see that, insecurities notwithstanding. There’s just something about that little boy’s smile or the sleepy way he snuggles up to me in the morning before I leave for work or the studious intent he gets on his face when I’m trying to teach him something… Yeah. I can see that.
But what about the other parts? Mothering isn’t, thankfully, a 24/7 job when you’re a working parent as well. And when he goes to school. So, what do I do in the mean time, in the off moments, at work and everywhere else to keep my soul satisfied?
And there is the rub.