The best part about working with the blogging project is that, occasionally, shit just falls in your lap.
This week, I won a free bone and Tarot reading from The Pagan Rapport. I was really excited. I get readings from friends and whatnot if I ask, but it’s nice to be able to win a reading from a complete stranger because, you know, it’s a feeling of almost having UPG verified by an outside source. It’s a moment where you can see your life through someone else’s eyes, which is a nice feeling. You may not feel so doggone about things if you can see it clearly explained from someone else’s point-of-view. It’s also nice because I tend to feel like I don’t win things, so, that was kind of cool, too.
The query I posed to Mr Hob was, My subject matter is that I appear to be blocked in moving forward (specifically with finding a job after being unemployed 14 months) and I’m curious to know the source of this blockage and how to remove it/destroy it. I won’t get into the bone reading because I feel like that’s something I have to parcel out myself at the moment. And also, I like to hoard lovely things and a bone reading, to me, is a lovely thing. I also won’t show the reading itself, but I want to untie the knots about the Tarot reading here. It’s important and eye-opening. The general reading is summed up as follows.
Where you are now, things are changing; things are ending. Like many fundamental changes, this is not comfortable, and is probably scary as Hell. However, new life arises where the old has fallen. You have overcome a daunting struggle to reach the place you are now. To have emerged triumphant may make your current turmoil all the more alarming. Though frightening, you see some merit in the coming changes. While you may have accomplished things in the past, you seek a new road. There is someone you wish to see suffer. Not only do you want to see what they have hidden thrown out for others to see, you want to feel the blade twist. Thinking back to the betrayals suggested in the Coyote Claws in the bone toss, I would suggest examining your past relationships for the source of your current restrictions. There is a loyal, devoted man coming into your life. The King of Wands is a fatherly figure, a caring parent. Do you have children? If so, are you in contact with their father? Following on the heels of the Lovers, in the previous position, I would think this more likely a love interest, rather than a parental figure, for you. Present circumstances may be pushing you to seek avenues which are not in your best interest. Beware of foolish plans, for they may bring you to ruin. People in your life may be urging you toward a change, or encouraging you to escape a harmful situation. This may be sound advice. Take the time to examine your situation, and the help being offered. Someone may have already given you the means of egress. You have to regain your center, for nothing can be accomplished while you charge in all directions You may be battering against the bars, while not realizing that the gate stands open. Where you are, right now, there can be no growth. Contesting forces have reached a standstill, and choices are going to have to be made to open the ways again.
The overall interpretation is as follows,
There is some soul-searching to be done. What I’m seeing is that you have resorted to something nefarious in the past to overcome a perceived obstacle. While you may have seen a temporary triumph from this, it was, overall, more harmful that helpful. It has left you mired, trapped in a way which has your wheels spinning. There are some relationships, and associations, that are going to have to be reexamined, and resolved, before you can find the way forward. There are people in your life trying to help. Though well intended, not all of that help is helping you. Anything keeping you from dealing with the past is not helping you.
You’re going to have to deal with what has been before you can move on.
Well… that’s a lot of knots to be untyin’.
I’ve known for quite some time that I’m at the end of a cycle and in the start of a new one. I’ve been getting the Wheel of Fortune in my Tarot readings for months now along with the Death card. We all know those are all about journeys and cycles, rebirth and the death of the old. And I have to admit that the whole thing is scary. It’s beyond scary. I’ve made mention before that the thought of leaving behind the hard work I did for the last year, being unemployed and working on myself and my path, is one of the scariest changes I’ve had to go through. I look back and see myself, standing in the aftermath of my job loss. And I see the horrifying changes in so many different things that came because of that loss. But, in all reality, it was a good change; a positive change. I was able to renew my relationship with a son I barely saw or knew anymore. I was able to renew my relationship with myself, which is just as important as the one with my son. But, even with all of the hard work and the pain that went into all of that stuff that I haven’t talked about over here, I have to admit that it’s the upcoming change and renewal process that scares me more than anything.
I could see the precipice I was standing on when I lost my job. I could see all the different avenues laid out before me. That was easy. It’s this new change that I have to worry about that, the new change that scares me. While I could see things crystal clear or at least as though through water before, I can’t see anything now. And what will these new changes bring? Will I end up missing out on a relationship with my son again? Will I sacrifice my soul and my intent for power and money? Or will I take the lessons I’ve learned, living hand-to-mouth, and use them appropriately? Talk about having your UPG verified: this guy just hit the nail on the head, managed a hole in one, and sent me into a shaking spree.
But the scariest part was reading this: There is someone you wish to see suffer. Not only do you want to see what they have hidden thrown out for others to see, you want to feel the blade twist. Thinking back to the betrayals suggested in the Coyote Claws in the bone toss, I would suggest examining your past relationships for the source of your current restrictions. Oh, oh, oh. I didn’t have to ask nobody nothin’ about that. I knew what that meant the second I saw it and I knew fear.
I’ve tried really hard these last few months to let go of what the ex-husband did to me. I’ve tried very diligently, or not so diligently but intently at least, to see things from a balanced perspective. I’ve tried to see my hurts and my anger from where he may have been standing during that time. The thing is that I just keep coming back to a character from a book that I’ve read to death. (Now, don’t laugh.) I’m talking about the Evan Remington character from The Three Sisters trilogy by Nora Roberts. When I want to feel witchy or I’m just feeling low, I re-read the first book in the trilogy a lot. And I see my ex-husband encased, in ways, as the “evil” Evan Remington. And I hate that I can’t look past my own pain long enough to see him in any other way. But, the reading was right. I not only want to see him suffer, I want to feel the blade twist under my hand. And I want it to all come to light; I want everyone to know.
And the part about the parental male figure… well, I know what that means. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I realize that part of the reason I still have some resentment is because I took the coward’s way out. My initial plan was to just up and leave, file for divorce when I got to Texas and leave it at that. Things would have come out then. Things would have been okay. Instead, metaphorically speaking, I hit behind TH and got away that way. It was a good hide. It worked out so that I didn’t have to fight over the dogs, the car, or anything else. I didn’t have to fight tooth and nail for the things I felt I had earned and deserved after being treated like a doormat for months and months on end. I didn’t have to fight tooth and nail for the things that I felt should be given to me, based out of how much time and energy and love I had put into a relationship neither one of us was either prepared for, desired, or could escape. It’s all so convoluted but I think the problem here is the hiding. I hid behind TH and now, I am dissatisfied with how things are.
And this is getting to me.
And then, I got to this part, People in your life may be urging you toward a change, or encouraging you to escape a harmful situation. And things started tingling up and down my spine. I had the chills for a good minute after reading that. ‘Cause… hadn’t two of my in-real-life friends both been telling me, in little ways, to let it go? Hadn’t two of them, in their own way, both mentioned that what was past was past and that doing the shadow work wasn’t going to solve anything? Interesting that it came up. Even more interesting that I had to stop what I was reading when I came to that point.
On a handful of separate occasions, I’ve had two people repeatedly tell me that I should let the thing go. “You can’t change the past.” “What’s in the past is in the past.” “The past is back there because we don’t live there anymore.” “I worry it’s doing something to you; can it really be good for you?” In the writing, I feel like I’m letting large pieces go. There’s still some side work and a major writing project to continue, but the intense desire to stab the ex-husband or laugh maniacally while he burns in a fire… I don’t feel those as much anymore. I still have my moment. I still have those times when I just want to strangle him like he always dreamed he would do to me (or I dreamed he did to me). There are still some times where I want to cry at the fruitlessness of it all. But I think things are going forward; are working out. My type of shadow work isn’t your type of shadow work isn’t their type of shadow work. And I think in the telling and trying to take a more balanced view of things is helping… but two friends think otherwise and they urge me to stop.
Is the advice sound?
I have to say that I don’t think so. And here’s why, Anything keeping you from dealing with the past is not helping you. That’s something I’ve thought myself a time or two and this reading has only strengthened my belief that what I’m doing is for the good of myself and my soul. And any future lives I may lead where the ex-husband may or may not play a part.
But, here’s part of the reason that I’m still untyin’ all these knots. What I’m seeing is that you have resorted to something nefarious in the past to overcome a perceived obstacle. While you may have seen a temporary triumph from this, it was, overall, more harmful that helpful. It has left you mired, trapped in a way which has your wheels spinning. There are so many different things that I have done that could be “nefarious.” I know the source of all of this: the ex-husband. It’s just a matter of figuring out which particular deed – and I believe I know what it is but I’m not positive – that has stopped up all of this fun roller coaster ride.
Untying the knots, indeed.